With all this openness I have been seeing, I decided it might be time for me to expose my TRUE colors… not the ones everyone sees. These are the things most people don’t know about me…these are my insecurities. So if anyone else has the same, you are not alone.
1.MY FEELINGS GET HURT REALLY EASILY! I would like to say that hurtful things roll off my shoulders. I would like to say 100% of my security is in God. But its not. Its hard to forget the hurtful things people have said about me. I forgive them, but the pain doesn’t go away.
2.I AM NOT FULL OF MYSELF! Apparently popular opinion as of late is that I always have to be the center of attention and thing I am the hottest thing since sliced bread. My personality really just likes to see people smile and i love to have fun. This probably is one of my biggest hurts, because a big part of me cares what people think and I want to leave a good impression on people.
3.I AM SELF CONCIOUS ABOUT MY LOOKS. The mirror is growing on me, thanks to God! He has shown me that what I look like isn’t what is important to Him. My heart is what He finds beautiful. And I know he will use the fact that I look so young for something good..someday. But sometimes, the freckles, pale skin, and gapped teeth get to me.
4. I DON’T HAVE A CONSISTENT PRAYER LIFE. I still feel like a baby Christian. Sometimes I skip talking to God or reading my Bible becuaseI am too “busy.”
5. I RECENTLY FELL BACK INTO SIN, CAUSING A FELLOW BELIEVER TO STUMBLE. And I couldn’t hate myself more right now. I know God has forgiven me, but I know i have cheated not only on Him, but have robbed myself and my Husband.
6. SPEAKING OF HUSBANDS I DONT REALLY WANT TO GET MARRIED. I feel like me and God would work out just fine by ourselves. I am not bitter, but why be distracted. He is all I will ever need, and I want to get closer and closer to Him. And Ithe second greatest commandment…to love people after loving God, I want to travel and show His love, without the attachment. (for anyone else, this is just how I feel for MY life).
7. I HIDE BEHIND MY SARCASM. I know that whether or not I grew up with it, sarcasm is not uplifting to other people. I need God’s grace to help me kick the habit. I have come a long way, but I have noticed that the people I am closest to are the ones who get the worst of it.
8. HATE IS A CONSISTENT PART OF MY VOCABULARY. this has really been brought ot my attention recently.I figured out the reason i use it in fun is to make it less offensive to myself. I have heard that word directed towards me, and something in me wants to make it less serious. Hate is the opposite of love, and so far away from God. I am careful to never have hate in my heart, but it seems to be damaging when in my speech. (feel free to hit me if you hear me say it, even though it will be joking).
9. I CAN’T KEEP FRIENDS. The longest consistent close friendship (not once in a while casual friends) was 3 years. And that was in high school. Nothing has come close since. I have tried to figure it out. But even after giving it to God, the pattern of people moving on is still hapening.
10. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A LOSER WITHOUT A FUTURE. Everyone my age has some sort of future planned out. They know their callings. They are in school…something. I know its not too late for me, but I feel like I am always the last to grow up, the last to mature.
I am not trying to get a pitty party. Don’t comment. Just read. As big of a change as people have seen, I still haven’t come that far. there are days like this when I am just not happy. These are the moments when I realize how little of my life, my identity I put in God. These 10 things i want to work on, to say I have fully given to God. And when that happens i will let you know, jsut as a testimony to how awesome His grace is and how patient He is. Becuase only He can change these things in my lfe. Believe me. I have tried on my own.